Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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