I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
