Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
