Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize