My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
