just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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