just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
