ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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