we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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