I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
