Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
