Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
