When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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