the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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