I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
