yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
