so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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