I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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