theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
