my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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