ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
