How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
