Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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