Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize