Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
