I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
