My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
