EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
