Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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