I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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