he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
