Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
