Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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