y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Pants are for mortals
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