I'm going to jail i love you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
