I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
