Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
