They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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