She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
