So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
