Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
