the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
