We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
