He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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