He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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