but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
