I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
