Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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