I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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