we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
