i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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