Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
