I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
