Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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