the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
