he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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